A More Fulfilled Life

I remember throwing that chair across the backyard harder than I had ever thrown anything in my life. It was a reckless act. Uninhibited. Instinctive. Desperate. I was distraught. “It shouldn’t be this hard!” I screamed as it flew through the air. I was aware that Mum and Dad watched on as I lost it and I felt for them. Their son’s pain was their pain. I was in tears, I ran away and just cried, for a long time.

I was about twenty five when that happened I think; full of passion. I had a dream of how I wanted to live and it wasn’t happening, at all. Actually my life was going backwards and at pace. I had no money, no clients, my friendship circle was getting smaller and any strategy I had to remedy the situation was failing.

Friends and family began to express their concern for me. They would point out the loneliness they saw in me, the lack of income and the isolation may decisions were creating. They were worried sick.

The thing is, I saw it too. I was no dill. I could see how things were. I just had to ignore my problems because if I looked at my actual life, I would break due to the reality check. And inevitably when loved ones did bring up the state of my life, I did break; thus the chair flying across the yard.

I defiantly heard what people said and I tried to act on their guidance and adopt their psychology, it just never worked for me. As they suggested I would rationalize that I should get a normal job and could be happy in it. That I maybe I did ask too much of my romantic relationships and if I just got more realistic my relationships would last longer. That going to the pub on the weekend should be enough to fuel my friendships. I really did try this line of thinking but deep inside me I just wanted more! It was unquenchable.

The issue was not the ‘dream’, the issue was not knowing how to create the dream. What were the actions? What was the strategy? Where do I put my effort to create the relationships, conversations and work that has me feel alive? I didn’t needed guidance on how to tolerate a normal life, I needed guidance on how to create my life.

I wish I could say things happened quick for me but my life didn’t change for a long time. It was a slog. Looking back, if I had a mentor in my field I believe I would have made much more rapid progress considering the effort I was putting in. However I didn’t have a mentor, so I had to find a way on my own.

I recall that at the guts of my approach I had written down what was most important to me, the things I valued the most, and put them in a photo frame in my room. I had also written down words I wanted to use to describe myself and the lifestyle I wanted to enjoy, these were all stuck on the wall above my bed. Then every day for years I made the best decision I could to create this vision. Some decisions were ineffective, some were potent, but either way I was always consistent with my intent. Slowly I inched towards the things I wanted.

Fast forward five years and after much duress and many occasions I had nearly given up, I was finally having some significant wins. On this day I had just arrived home from a conference in Singapore where I had done a keynote presentation. I answered the old-school home phone to a family friend who was after my mum. “Mark, didn’t expect to catch you. You certainly are very lucky aren’t you? While the rest of us are working hard you’re off gallivanting around the world, all expenses paid, and getting paid to boot! Some people just have it easy I guess.”

My blood boiled! Finally I had made progress in my career and the success was being put down to ‘luck’! For years I had felt the pressure of well intended but small minded peers as they advised me to ‘get a real job’ and now when I finally have an unreal job, the feedback was that I got lucky! I braved all the pain, all the sacrifice, all the sleepless nights and lonely days, surviving all the self doubt and now my success is prescribed to ‘luck’! When I was failing I was shamed and now when I was succeeding I was being guilted! What the…?!

I admit I snapped back on the phone. “Luck?! You think I am lucky?!” I asked before continuing on a polite but sharp rant that might have been an over reaction; I was mad though. It become clear in that moment that ‘luck’ is how people explain success that they would not know how to create. In my mind, calling it luck was an unhealthy conclusion and a lie. If we believe it is luck we don’t step up to the plate and play our role. And we certainly shouldn’t teach people it is luck. It is so disempowering.

To be clear, if you want something, it requires clarity of vision, then an effective strategy, consistently acted on. The best way I know how to do that is to get clear on what you value, who you want to be and how you want to live, and make then decisions aligned to that, even under duress, consistently, big or small.